i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
