Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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