whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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