I'm gonna have a badass scar
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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