Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
