he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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