I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
