I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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