where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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