I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
