I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
