12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
