You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize