There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
