I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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