Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
