just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
