It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
