I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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