Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
