ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
