I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
