I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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