i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
