...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
