Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We just shotgunned beers for America
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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