Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
