Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
