I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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