but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
