Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
