so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
