Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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