It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
