You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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