You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
