My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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