why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
