god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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