This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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