i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
