Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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