Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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