I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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