You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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