He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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