Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
and i looked up. we had an audience...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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