K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
