I hate your face
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
