me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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