just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
