so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
