pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I can't turn off my feet"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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