Can Purell be used as lube?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
