im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
ok first of all what the fuck
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize