she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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