don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
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