I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize