You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
