we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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